Marching to the beat of a different mandolin

I did a thing I've never done tonight.

I gave a guy at a bar my number. I host trivia at the same bar every Tuesday night, and the bartender is the kind of awkwardish-looking that I find absolutely irresistible. I've had a crush on him since starting there, despite very limited interaction. Every once in a while he walks by my table and takes a guess at a question. Tonight it was really slow, so I had a chance to chat with him between rounds for just a bit. He's funny. I like him more now.

So, on my way out, I slipped him my number. Like a desperate hussy! The best part is that the only paper I had on me was a bridge pickup slip. He'll probably be like WTF is this thing? But anyway the bar was slammed by the time I was leaving, so he won't have a chance to get in touch for a while, if he decides he's going to.

I texted my bridge partner, Joe, and told him what I'd done. He's been in the bar biz for like 15 years and he told me that I probably made the guy's night, but he won't call. He says bartenders know better than to pick up customers. I reminded him that I am not a customer. But it could still be weird. Anyway all I really want is to make out with him in the back room for a few minutes, then I'll feel better. But Joe seems to think that's unlikely to happen. FINE.

I guess I'll just have to settle for making out with my perfect boyfriend, who is perfect. So perfect he wouldn't even mind if I picked up a bartender every once in a while.

I have a self-imposed deadline to file my taxes today. I haven't started yet and I don't wanna. It's overwhelming and scary and I just want to go fetal. Knowing this was on my agenda for the day, I slept until almost noon. And then took another nap after lunch :/

Toby is over here now, though, and he is going to help me. He's still working right now, though, so I'm still procrastinating.

I downloaded a new "trainer" app that my doctor recommended. It asks you what your fitness goals and abilities are, and then it gives you workout suggestions. I did two HIIT workouts today. I think the fact that I told it I work out regularly already made it assume I'm more capable than I am, because holy fuck that shit was hard. Some of the items were not things I can do at all, so I modified them. At the end, you get to rate whether it was too easy, too hard, or just right, so I told it that it was too hard. We'll see what adjustments I get for my next recommendations. I think it's good, though. I know HIIT is a good thing to put into my routine...I just hate it so much. I suppose it'll get easier and I'll hate it a little less if I keep at it. We'll see...

C210K is going well...I'll do W2D3 today. So far the runs are not terribly challenging (no more than 90 seconds at a time), so I've been upping my speed. I doubt I'll be able to keep doing a 9-minute mile pace when I get into the longer blocks of running, but I imagine it'll help bring my speed up a bit, anyway. I know I have it in me to do better than the 12-minute miles I've been running since my accident a year and a half ago.

Last night I went with Ross to an art opening at a swingers' club. It was just an art show -- partying wasn't open until after we left. I've always been curious about this place. Dan always wanted me to go but it just intimidated the fuck out of me. Going for the art show was a pretty gentle introduction, and I'd definitely be willing to go back sometime in the future. Not sure how much I'd want to, uh, participate, but there is a dance floor and a bar, and the people I met last night were all quite disarming. So, yeah. Maybe something new for me to try one day.

I also went out on a couple of OKC dates this week. Not really dates so much as meetups with people I met on this dating site. Both guys were nice, and I can see being friends. Possibly more? But probably not. I'm just not feeling that interested in any more dating. I'm head over heels for Toby, McKenzie still has a big chunk of my heart, and most of my leftover emotional bandwidth goes to Ross, whom I really only see a couple times a month anyway. But for some reason last week I felt compelled to open a few of my more recent messages on OKC, and I felt like both of these guys offered conversations worth having (one opened with a story about scuba diving to see seahorses, the other told me he's ex-Mormon). Been talking to each fairly regularly and definitely like them both. Just don't really feel like I have room in my life for any more *partners* right now. I do like that I have the freedom to meet these people and that we're all on the same page, basically. They're in primary relationships, they understand I'm not really looking for anything, we're just meeting because it seems like we might enjoy spending time together. But not necessarily in a sexy way. And it feels normal. It's really nice to be able to let relationships happen as they may in my life, without feeling like I need to hide one person from another, or be dishonest in any way about it. And I feel like what I've got with Toby is really, really strong. So all that's good. There's just still a big pit of McKenzie sadness. And what I want for the future of that relationship doesn't really gel with what I want for the rest of my future, so I imagine it'll be a struggle to make peace for a long time yet. Right now I'm just experiencing the feelings as they are and not trying to force any changes. Learning how to accept what I can't control, appreciate my blessings, and do what I can to maximize the good. Sometimes even succeeding at it.