Marching to the beat of a different mandolin

Last weekend, Toby and I went up to Vancouver to visit Emily, Chris, and Trevor. We agreed to babysit Trevor for the day on Saturday so the parents could go to a beer festival -- their first real time away from the baby together. I was honored to do the babysitting for such an occasion, and it was Toby's first time meeting Trevor. We were psyched.

We arrived on Friday night, and Emily informed us that Trevor had not taken a shit since Sunday. I did the mental math...JESUS CHRIST! She'd taken him to the doctor and the doc said that since he didn't appear to be in any discomfort, just to wait it out. They gave him prune juice a few times and stopped with the solid foods for a few days, but no luck.

Saturday rolled around, and I just *knew* it would happen on our watch. When Lucy was a baby, she'd get constipated a lot, but whenever I'd hold her, nature would call, and press 2. It's just this power that I have. Perhaps my voice is the brown noise. Anyway.

We fed him a bottle, and spit up all over me, which I declared less desirable than dealing with his shit. Something about the look and the smell of baby spit up is just SO GROSS to me, but I handled it without too much hacking of my own, and we went about our day. Toby and I got lunch, and put Trev down in a bouncy seat while we ate. Em warned us that he'd only be content there for a few minutes at most, so we ate quickly, and I gave Toby the choice after lunch of dealing with the dishes or entertaining the baby. He chose dishes, and what a serendipitous choice it was!

When I went to lift Trevor out of his chair, my hands reached into a lake of shit. I called for backup as I ran to the changing pad to begin to deal with the situation. It was EVERYWHERE. As I worked to unsnap his onesie, he kicked and squirmed and smeared his own poo around with his feet. When I removed his clothes to assess the damage at ground zero, his entire backside was covered. That turdpedo had erupted from all possible diaper exits and had reached the back of his head. Toby ran for the diaper genie, and I gently wiped the crying, shit-smeared baby, now half his previous body weight, until I was satisfied that he was clean enough for a new diaper. This process lasted at least 15 minutes, and I'm very lucky that he did not pee while he was undiapered in that time, because I was dealing with the most I could possibly handle.

Once I had him in a new diaper, he was much less cranky. I had gone through at least 20 [cloth, reusable!] wipes, but there was still the matter of his hair. I held him at the sink while Toby used the spray faucet to return his hair color from brown to its original blond. After I fully dressed him in a clean new outfit, I kept noticing more outposts of shit that I'd missed on my first ten passes. Baby fat can hide some horrible secrets! Finally clean, both of us were exhausted from the experience, and we went to nap together. I lazily browsed the internet on my laptop while Trevor snoozed happily on my chest for the next hour and a half. His naps until that point had been about 20-30 minutes at best, according to Em and Chris. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment, both for having dealt admirably with the six day poobomb, and for getting him to sleep his best nap in weeks. I'm sure the two were related.

Achievement (and bowels) unlocked! Platinum level aunting. 10,000XP.

Toby, on the other hand...

Well, Toby helped where I needed him. But it was the first time in all the time I've known him that I was calmer than he was. While I worked through wiping the poo to end all poos, with Trevor wailing in dissatisfaction, Toby mostly hid in the other room, shouting at me "THIS IS WHY YOU ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!"

I love this guy. I'm so glad he shares my life goals of never having children.

Some friends expressed astonishment at my handling of the shituation, but honestly, what was I gonna do? It's not like it could be ignored. And now, Trevor will be in my debt for the rest of my life ;)

Back from Vegas as of last night, and lots on my to-do list for the day, but first...


1. How quickly does it take your phone to die?
I try to leave it plugged in all the time, but on days when I'm out and about all day, it's usually critical by the end of the day.

2. Do you remember the first YouTube video you ever watched?
No, I don't, but the earliest one I remember is Drinking Out of Cups. Which may have been my first YouTube video ever.

3. How many cities do you have saved in your weather app? What are they?
My phone just automatically gives me the weather where I am, and that's all I care about.

4. Are you happy?
Not totally. How can anyone be happy with what Trump is doing to our country and our world? And not just Trump, because it's not like he's that powerful, but the people who support him and for some reason agree with him.

5. What colour is your soap? Shampoo?
I use Dr. Bronner's soap, which is the color of apple juice. My shampoo is a metallic brown color.

6. What do they smell like?
Peppermint soap, shea butter shampoo

7. Have you ever had a run in with the police?
Nothing more serious than a traffic stop. The kind that happens when you're white, anyway, which is not serious.

8. Who inspires you the most?
My friends. People who are active and intelligent and fun.

9. How often do you dye your hair?
A few times a year. Whenever the top layers are no longer purple.

10. Do you have any friends with benefits?
Yeah. I have one friend I sleep with about once a year (because that's as frequently as I see him), and another friend who comes over to my house once a week to nap and cuddle together. That's my version of polyamory right now :)

11. Does your ex miss you?
Maybe, but I don't think he misses our relationship.

12. Have you ever been on a horse? How was it?
Yes. I was nervous about the horse losing its balance on the side of this steep mountain, but I guess that's not a thing that happens much. Then when it was over, my crotch was sore for a while.

13. What is your favourite fruit?
Avocado

14. Is the last male you spoke to attractive?
Absolutely.

15. Do people often tell you that you're pretty?
Yeah, bridge players say so all the time.

16. What was your worst subject in school? What about your best?
Physics probably was my worst? I always got A's, but it was the one that was the least easy for me, I guess. Spanish was best.

17. How many different towns have you lived in?
Six, officially, but only 3 "metro" areas.

18. Are you kinky?
I am probably the most vanilla polyamorous person that ever walked the face of the earth. But polyamory itself is kinky to some. Shrug.

19. What is in your refrigerator right now?
A bunch of sauces, some salad that has gone bad, DDP, cheese, whatever my roommate has in there, tofurkey, and vodka.

20. Are you sexy?
I don't feel like I am these days, but Toby thinks so.

21. How far away does a destination have to be before you consider it a road trip?
It's a road trip if I drive there and spend the night away from home.

22. Do you believe that people can change?
I know that I've changed a LOT (thanks, antidepressants and therapy!), and I've seen others change for the worse, which maybe just betrays that they were kinda shitty all along. But yeah I believe it.

23. Do you always have the TV on for background noise?
I don't own a TV but I do turn Netflix on when I'm going to sleep.

25. Are you more mentally or physically strong?
I guess mentally.

26. What is something weird that turns you on?
Awkward nerds.

27. Do you easily pick up on innuendos?
I pick up on innuendo that isn't even there.

28. Do you avoid confrontation?
No, but I don't seek it out, either.

29. With whom was your last kiss and where?
Kissed Toby in the car as I dropped him off at the train today.

30. Have you ever been offered drugs? Did you accept?
Yeah, I know a lot of people who do a lot of different drugs, and I've been offered plenty, but never accepted anything more than a toke. I've never in my life felt pressured to participate.

31. Have you ever tried online dating?
Yep!

32. What perfume do you wear?
Just my own natural stank.

33. What three countries would you LEAST like to visit?
North Korea, Saudi Arabia, and Syria (tried to think of different answers from P-Fred, from whom I ganked this, but hers were spot on).

34. What have been the top 3 moments of your year so far?
Winning the KO with Toby this weekend, meeting Trevor for the first time, and meeting Trevor for the second time, probably :)

35. Does virginity matter to you?
No.

36. What is on your floor right now?
Suitcases

37. Do you take nudes?
No. SHOCKINGLY, the ones I allowed to be taken got shared with others without my consent. WHO COULD'VE GUESSED THAT WOULD HAPPEN?! So yeah, I don't do this anymore.

38. Do you like reptiles?
Sure.

39. Do you swear a lot?
Do you know me but at all?

40. Does it bother you when guys wear pink?
It bothers me when a guy won't wear pink.

41. Do you watch porn?
Sometimes.

42. What is an unpopular opinion that you have?
I don't believe most people should have children.

43. Do you watch any reality shows?
No.

44. Do you skip breakfast?
I often sleep through it.

45. Do you work out every week?
Yes.

46. Did you grow up in a small town or big city?
Small town.

47. How many roses did you get on Valentine’s day?
0. Idgaf about this sort of thing.

48. Are you belligerent?
No.

49. What are you looking forward to?
More relaxation this week, then all the travel I have coming up. Vancouver, FRFF, Scotland, Alaska...

50. Have you ever been lost in the woods?
Yep.

George's memorial was today. The venue was packed so fully that it was nearly impossible to move. He had a lot of real friends. Nancy called me out right at the beginning for crying too much. Can't help it, it's what I do. I spoke and told a couple of fun stories from my childhood -- didn't entirely go with what I'd written before, because Em and Nancy were serious about it having an upbeat tone. I told about him teaching Emily and me to use softball gloves, and then going to his games and playing "throw" with each other, because we weren't good enough to play catch. I talked about having spaghetti dinners at their house, where he encouraged us to play with our food. And I mentioned that I felt like Em and I each have two sets of parents, and my biological parents can't really claim responsibility for me being such a hippie now...

George's youngest brother, Carl, lives in Maine, and I never really saw him when I was young. He came up to me after I spoke and said he had no idea what a community dad George had been, and it was so nice to hear about his brother from that perspective.

I held Trevor and introduced him around to many friends as well. He's such a sweet baby. He's a great cuddler, and it helped me push the tears back to focus on him, too. I'm so grateful that Emily got to bring him here to spend two months with her parents. Her final memories of her dad are of him enchanted by his new grandson.

Of course his death is sad, and he was too young. But I'm so glad his Alzheimer's didn't get a chance to take his personality away from him. His short term memory was gone, but he was still friendly, funny, brilliant George.

I've been judgy about a lot of stupid baby names, but I'd have to say I hit a new record when I saw "Kynzli."

COME ON.

Today I've been feeling kind of dejected. I guess it's part disappointment that what I want and what I can have regarding Diego are not the same, but it's also more of an umbrella disappointment, that there's a need or desire there that isn't really fillable at the moment. I was whining about this to Jon, and he kept suggesting very reasonable approaches to address this, but they all feel meh to me. What I want is a very specific thing and it has to grow on its own. I can't just create it or pick it out of the ether. Right now I'm more or less accepting this, but it's still a bummer. So I've done a couple of things that made me feel a little better.

I had a good workout this afternoon, talked to my brother and my mom, and also made a donation to a charity that's important to me. I do feel better for having done all these things. Now I'm going to shower off the workout stank and go meet Toby downtown for dinner before trivia night #3 of 3 this week.

Tomorrow is my not-date with Diego. That's bartender guy. It's not his real name, but he said if I ever wrote about him in my blog, that's what I should call him. Alright then. He wanted me to take complete control of the plans, which is nice, but also a lot of pressure. I'd decided on SUP and food carts, but then the forecast shat on me. It's been 80s and clear all weekend, and all next week will be, too, except for tomorrow, when it'll be 60 and rainy. Goddammit.

We have all day together. We're meeting at 10am. I checked the forecast for the whole area, and the rain is everywhere within driving distance, so hikes and other outdoor activities are not ideal. I picked something for us to do that I'm pretty excited about, but I'm also just really nervous having the whole day in my hands. And disappointed that it'll be chilly because the outfit I'd planned was for hot weather. I am putting way too much thought into this. But I can't help it because I am smitten and even though that's going nowhere, I still want to make the very best impression, you know?

Which leads us to music. I haven't bothered to put all my music in the same place in a long time. I've curated a decent playlist of mostly top 40 songs for trivia nights from Amazon music, but they don't have any of my really favorite stuff. I had a lot of that stuff on my Zune, but now that I no longer pay the subscription fee, they won't let me access that; even the stuff I fucking paid for. Fuck you, Microsoft. And now I'm all bummed that my playlist won't be just so. Holy shit, I need to chill.

Bartender guy texted last night.

We had a mild flirt.

He announced he has a girlfriend and is monogamous, but that he wants to friendzone me if I'm open to it because he likes me from listening to me host trivia every week. (I'm paraphrasing.) (And actually I hate that term and am only using it flippantly.) (Sometimes I think I overuse parentheticals.)

We have plans to hang out next week. I'm really psyched, but also kinda bummed he's not *available.* I will not be making any move to try and change his mind, though. My lifestyle is different, but my moral code is still pretty strong. It's just a shame because this is the first crush I've had in like 2 years, and I guess it's going to have to flame out.

We've been doing better as the week progresses. We made one KO semifinal for a nice big chunk of points for Zac -- he was shocked that we got 11 all at once like that. Today we're playing in a playoff for 3rd place in a 3-session KO (they didn't get enough teams to do a full final KO). Then tomorrow I fly home to my sweet boyfriend and devil kitten. I've had a great week and I'm really looking forward to getting home, too.

Last night, we played against Val and his sponsor, Carol. Early in the match, Zac jokingly told me to fuck off. Carol, a woman at least in her 70's, was very shocked, and Zac spent the rest of the match apologizing for his language. As we got up to leave the table at halftime, Zac said once more to her, "Again, I'm so sorry about my language." She goes "I don't give a fuck!" It was my favorite moment of the week.

They annihilated us in the second half after we kept it close in the first, so Val offered to buy my drinks at the hotel bar. It was the first time we hung around after, and we ended up shooting the shit with Steve Weinstein and Bobby Levin. It's such a small tournament, they're some of the only pros here, and we were the only people around to hang out with them. That was a good time. It made me feel like one of the cool kids.

I also witnessed the most awful human behavior I've ever seen yesterday. I've already told this story all over Facebook, but I'll put it here for a more permanent record. In the first bit of the first session yesterday, a woman playing in the small room (7 tables) with us fainted. Everyone in the room stopped playing as we waited, concerned, for her to wake up. Paramedics were called, but her husband assured us that she has a fainting disorder and this is not uncommon. She's probably fine. She wakes up and the color starts returning to her face, and she says she's okay. The surrounding tables continue their play. The paramedics arrive, lift her off the ground and back into her chair, and begin to evaluate her. Then a woman (JH) gets up and walks over to the patient and paramedics and says "could you please take this outside? It's really bothering me."

What. The. Fuck.

Like, seriously, I know bridge players are selfish assholes, but that was a spectacular new low. God damn.

Anyway, one more day of fun-filled excitement, then home to my love. It's been a great week :)

Also Happy Fucking Birthday to my little sister today! I dunno if she still reads here now that I'm not on LJ and she has an infant to wrangle, but I've wished her happy birthday in several other places as well. (Hi Em! Are you still with me here?)

Last night while I was playing bridge online, a friend fb messaged me and asked if I wanted to hear a funny McKenzie story. I said "No, and thanks for checking with me first." I've just had a lot going on that has my Z-related anger pretty close to the surface, and didn't want to have my mind on him at all. But then the friend goes, "Well, it's not really about him at all. I wanna tell it." And then he tells the story. I reacted exactly as I thought I would -- some anger bubbled up and I had some word vomit about it, and then I kind of shut down. I really wasn't interested in that conversation. Friend keeps talking. I respond sparingly. Eventually I tell him I'm going to go to bed. He's like "OK, but you should think about messaging me sometime. It sucks that I'm the only one who ever starts conversations."

First of all, not true. I do message this friend from time to time. Second of all, thanks for the guilt trip right after you made me feel like shit. I think I won't be messaging you any time soon.

I met up with my friend Dan for happy hour last night. (Not my ex Dan.) He's possibly getting divorced, so I reached out to him thinking he might need a friend, and I missed him 'cause it had been a while. He's actually doing really well. He says the emotional fuckery of the split with his wife was only really bad for a couple of months, but he's not really hurting anymore, and he's so much happier. He seemed to be telling the truth about that. Having been through this myself, I know that it comes and goes -- I got teary talking about my own divorce with him last night, and it's been over two years. But for now, Dan's doing well and I'm happy for him. He has a pregnant cat at home, and I'm very eager to meet the baby kittens. They are expected within a week or so.

On Sunday, I'm flying to SLC to play bridge with Zac on a team with Max and Dee at the regional there. It's Zac's first tournament ever, and one of my first since my big hiatus, so we're all very excited. I should be able to see my friend Veronica while I'm there, too. I have no idea why so many great people choose to live in a state like Utah, but they're the only reason I'm excited to go there. And the bridge, I guess. My understanding is that this is a pretty tiny tournament, so even though Zac and Dee combine for maybe just a couple hundred masterpoints, we'll probably be in Bracket I all week. Well, I hope we win it all. Why not?

I lost another 1.6 pounds this week, for a total of 6 pounds in three weeks. That's pretty good, but now I'm all kinds of anxious about keeping up with the program while I'm in Utah...I'll probably be largely sedentary and won't have a lot of food options...but in any case, I probably won't gain back all 6 pounds...fingers crossed I have the energy and opportunity to get some exercise, at least.

I am so sick of all the disrespect I get at the bridge table. I'm too mentally exhausted to go into the whole story from today, but it has a happy ending, anyway. My team won. We're a hodgepodge team thrown together to fill out the event, and we fully expected to be bottomfeeders, but we were solid today and tomorrow we'll play against Dave's team for the district championship. I feel like I'm playing some of my best bridge ever, and while I don't think our team is better than theirs, I think we could win. I would like that very much.

The thing I hate the most, though, is that when I complain about being disrespected, most (older white men) think I'm overreacting. The older white men in charge of ruling the game (and handing out zero tolerance penalties) don't think any of the transgressions that bother me warrant a ZT. (Then why call it ZERO tolerance if you'll tolerate MILD abuse?) But get fucking disrespected every goddamn time you play, and the littlest things eat at your soul. I just wish the directors would have my back here. Or that I could stand up for myself without looking like a whiner or some kind of tattletale.

But you know what?

Scoreboard, motherfuckers.